Ma and Pa in AustriAAA

I will start by informing you with great enthusiasm that I had my first roast dinner on Wednesday, as it was Thanksgiving and my friend in Amstetten (my only friend.) is American! She came over with a dead chicken in her backpack and then spent a good few minutes rubbing melted butter all over it, into every single nook and cranny. Luck would have it that this girl knows how to roast a bird – it was one of the best roast dinners I’ve ever had. The meat was so delicious and garlicy and moist and YUMMY IN MY TUMMY! We also had homemade stuffing, leeks and carrots, pomegranate (because I couldn’t find the cranberry sauce in Spar, because I don’t know the word for cranberry, but I did find a pomegranate), roast potatoes and grrrrravy. I had three helpings. Then we had apple crumble with ice cream. Then we had buttermilk pie, which is basically a normal pie case filled with a couple of kilos of sugar, butter and buttermilk. Here's a pic:

Kirbee let me keep the carcass. I popped it in the freezer and will boil it at a later date.

I didn’t have time to boil it this weekend, because the PARENTS were here! Upholding a strong family tradition, they missed one of their crossovers and were a teensy bit late, but this didn’t bother me as it just gave me more time to snooze!!! When they arrived I showed them the sights in Amstetten, which took all of four minutes, then we had schnitzel. The best thing about them visiting was I could say things like “oh, I know the best place to get schnitzel.” Little did they know there is only one place! But it made me sound like a genius. Also mother looked extremely impressed whenever I spoke German. Father was less convinced.

“Wow,” he sneered sardonically, after I completed an extremely long and complex telephone call with the car hire company in dialect(!!!) “You’ve learnt to say ‘okay’ and 'super' in a German accent!”

“I think you mean an Austrian accent,” I retorted coolly. The tension was too much for the small hotel room so we retreated to the hire car.

They were both suitably impressed with Melk, and we went inside the catacombs of the abbey and it was very good. The church there looks like somebody ate lots and lots of gold leaf and renaissance art work, then projectile vomited all over the walls and ceilings. In a word, I would call it ‘EXCESSIVE’. In two words, I would call it ‘VERY EXCESSIVE’! But also pretty awesome. The pictures just do NOT do it justice.

Are my parents ghosts!? Mere figments of my imagination!? eek!

This beautiful model is used to hold the lower  jaw and one remaining tooth of one of the abbey's saints.

Stify Melk Church cieling

Then we spoke to a miserable Scrooge of a tourist office representative, who, after much pestering, finally revealed there was a Christmas fair we could go to nearby. This was held in a local castle and was a treasure trove of handmade goods! The locals charged large sums of money for all sorts of strange objects, our favourites were small angels made out of pieces of pasta and entire cribs encapsulated in a walnut shell. It was a marvel of the power of recycling. As I pointed out to the parents over tea and cake, the producers of Blue Peter would have pissed their pants at all the craft activities they could have stolen there! Mother didn’t approve of my turn of phrase, but still whole-heartedly agreed.

Then I took them to that nights Kulturwochen event, which was a local punk-protest-folk-band-thing and they sang some songs and gave me a free sticker! The lyrics were in German, but the music had an upbeat, toe-tapping, head-nodding, shoulder-wiggling tempo that kept all three of us entertained! The name of the band was WOSISIG, check them out on youtube, if you so wish! Most excitingly, the viola player from the ‘troupe’ (as mother would no doubt dub them) plays in the orchestra I’m in! our final performance of the season was on Sunday, it was a roaring success, despite the fact I missed several rather important cymbal-solos due to losing my place in the music. Turns out you cannot translate ‘to lose one’s place in the music’ literally into German, as when I tried to explain to my fellow tub-thumpers what had happened, they were pretty nonplussed. They smiled politely though!

On Monday we ventured in to Vienna. We saw a great deal of Klimt artwork, and also an impressive amount of Klimt memorabilia. The Belvedere art gallery has taken every object known to man, and covered it in Klimt. If this is something you think you’d like, pop over to the museum shop BUT BE PREPARED TO PAY BIG BUCKS. We had lunch in a little café that reminded me of my flat INSOFAR AS it was a bit of a time warp. Mother was rather taken with the waiter, mainly because he was wearing a bow tie, but also because he was ‘softly spoken’. I worked out that ‘susserdapfel’ is sweet potato and felt extraordinarily pleased with myself.

There then followed a rather long-winded quest for Christmas markets. I do not know Vienna that well, and I was following shady directions from a teacher friend that I could half remember, and for a while all we could find was some kind of soviet occupation protest (TYPICAL COLLINGSES!! Straight to the soviets! We can’t keep away!!!!) In the end we found a nice market with random things in it, and a stall that sold the sausages that are filled with cheese. Me and Daddy had one each, it was super!

IN THE CASTLE!

Father claims that this landscape features in a film, so I told them to look 'dramatic'. You can tell mother graduated from drama school, can't you! Father refused. "It wasn't that type of film." he grumbled.

I left them at the market so I could catch a train home. Father enthused greatly about my tour guiding capabilities. “Thank you for showing us around!” he said in a jolly, rumble-tumble sort of way. Mother was slightly more cryptic. “Yes, thank you for trying your best,” she said pleasantly. I chose to take this as a compliment.

I was (unfortunately) back in school bright and early this morning. I did a lesson about extreme sports and explained the difference between the ‘jumping’ and ‘leaping’ through the medium of mime. Turns out they like mime a LOT! They also like it when I read things out and then do a funny face. I then did a class about protests and accidentally showed them a photo with a big protest sign saying “DAVID CAMERON IS A C***”. Unfortunately the sign in the picture did not use cute little starts to disguise the foul language.  I had to very quickly skip to the next slide, which so happened to be the liberal democrat mock election campaign video we made in year 13. For some reason, the students did not seem to enjoy watching this as much as I did. However, I shall leave it here for you – my fans – to truly appreciate. It a nostalgic trip down memory lane, which MIGHT leave a bitter taste in your mouth (not just because of the Scottish accents!!!!)

Papa just text me (being rather wizz on the old mobile telephone). They've landed safely back in the UK and he said a good time was had by all. After I left them, mother apparently bought a new hat which is 'very becoming'. BECOMING WHAT!?!?!? We'll never know! Only four weeks until I’m back in the bosom of Blighty – so pumped! 

xx

"I WANT YOU IN MY ARMS, INFLAMED WITH PASSION!" -SCORRRRRRRPIA

Saw a sunset on the way home today :o) BECAUSE I WAS WORKING SO LONG THAT NIGHT HAD BEGUN TO FALL WAHHHH!

I’m currently sitting in my spick and span, freshly cleaned flat. My seriously cute landlady employs a seriously cute cleaner. Now, I know people call me over-dramatic. They say, “Sarah, you use too many superlatives. You just exaggerate everything to make your life sound more interesting when really your life is nothing more than living with an old lady and being ignored by stubborn teenagers and eating-yourself-podgy.” Well, screw the haters, okay? I like superlatives and I like capital letters. And my cleaner is THE BEST CLEANER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER!!!  I was at work when she visited today, so I have no idea how she managed to create order from such chaos, but now every single thing I own is in neat, attractively arranged piles. In my imagination, she achieved this with a Mary Poppins/Snow White-esque pirouette around my room, with a bit of help from a friendly bluebird. She even took the packed lunch I made myself and forgotten to take with me to work out of its bag and popped it in the fridge so it was still fresh enough for supper!  I feel a mixture of awe, shame and respect when I think about it.

Ordentlich!

DISCLAIMER : I did actually ‘tidy up’ before she came. I spent about 3 hours ‘tidying up’ but it will probably come to no surprise to you that after ‘tidying up’ my flat looked like most normal people’s flats look like just before they start tidying up.

ANYWAY, now for more vaguely blog worthy exploits:

Yesterday was the end of another long weekend. This long weekend was even more special than usual, for two reasons. Firstly, because it was to celebrate Duke Leopold of Austria, who I am able to reliably inform you kidnapped King Richard the Lion Heart and then trapped him in Lower Austria (which is where I live) (in Lower Austria, not in Duke Leopold’s prison LmFaO-O-o-o-!) (I know this because I once had a starring role in a particularly acclaimed production of ‘Robin Hood’, which was so successfully it actually toured the world.) Secondly, because for some reason all the shops in Amstetten really embraced the opportunity for extra custom and STAYED OPEN all day! Even though it was a bank holiday! *AMAZING* Even my super-duper powerplate class stayed open, and because it was a bank holiday they had a little ‘Open Day’ which mean I got free champagne and salmon nibbles after my session. I even got chatting to some of the middle-aged patrons of the powerplate class and we had a bit of banter.

In the evening I attended my SECOND Kulturwochen event! I was invited to accompany my little old landlady to ‘French Night’.  ‘French Night’ was at a local hotel and involved a pianist and a singer performing famous French songs, as well as French wine and French food and French flags banging around all over the place. We didn’t booked a table, and when we arrived the waitress suggested we sit on one of the free tables round the corner, but this would mean we wouldn’t be able to see the performance, so instead little old landlady just pulled up a chair to the VIP table where the singer’s family and closest friends were sitting, as well as the photographers from the local paper. We had such a good view! Landlady was pissing herself laughing at how cheeky we were. We got some wine and some quiche l’orraine and then we had a pancake and I tried to talk in Spanish with a Peruvian but it was embarrassingly difficult and I got all muddled and though I started the sentences in English they’d meander through some basic English to a little bit of German and then trail into nothing. AWKWARD! Anyway, the quiche was AHHHHHHHHH-mazing. The pancake was also good. My little old landlady especially liked the fact it was soaked in alcohol.

On Friday I went to Vienna. This was amazing because I met some other teaching assistants and we went for a curry. I love curry. I love curry so much, and the curry was so delicious, and the naan bread was so garlicy, and it was a total 10/10. Then we went to an ex-whore-house, which reminded me of how my mother used to live in an ex-whore-house, but  I didn’t mention this because I was scared people would judge me :S :S :S

One of my friends who lives in Vienna (one of MANY friends I happen to have, being so popular and in with the in crowd) recommended we go to the Naschmarkt, SO WE DID! The Naschmarkt is a flea market and it was really, really, really exciting because I found a stall that sold loads of white linen blouses and I bought two. It was my favourite thing I’d done in Vienna UNTIL THAT POINT!! We also went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and all I have to say about that is don’t go. Then we did things like drink sociably and eat burgers and chit chat and mix up an order in a posh brunch restaurant etcetc. I reward the whole Viennese experience a Rachel-Eyre-8/8.

I came home on Sunday because I knew I’d have to spend several hours cleaning the flat in preparation for the cleaner, but then on Monday, like The Real Slim Shady, I was back – back again. This time to go to the State Opera. I’d never been to the opera before and I was a bit apprehensive because the ballet we went to in year 7 was totally D. U. L. L. However, the whole experience was totally like it happens in Pretty Woman, except instead of being accompanied by Richard Greer, I was surrounded by a group of snoozy teenage students in dinner jackets. But the Opera was SO GOOD! It was a lot better than the ballet, which may be because ballet just isn’t for me, or may be because I saw the ballet at The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton, and I saw the opera in one of the best opera houses in the world. Predictably, the audience clapped lengthily and enthusiastically at every available opportunity. At one point a particularly raucous audience member hollered “BRAVO!” with such good projection that I assumed it was part of the performance. What was also INSANELY COOL was that because of some kind of youth integration thing we not only got the tickets really, really cheap (15 euros for seats in the stalls, which every classy lady knows are the Best Seats) but also got a backstage tour of the opera house and I got to stand on the stage! It’s so beautiful! My American Assistant Friend, whose school we were with, and I were about 350% more excited about the whole thing than any of the students.  I loved it. I want to go back, and be an opera singer, and have a standing ovation, and jump off a tall building but then run around from behind the set for my standing ovation, and wear a wig and stuff.

THAT WAS MA WEEK!!!  I’ll leave you with the incredible exciting news that Mr and Mrs Collings shall be descending upon the capital city in two short days! GOD ONLY KNOWS what the hell is going to happen!

As they say in Austria, 

“Lovely greetings”, Sarah.

xooxo

Happy …. WoRlD sAvInGs DaY!!!!

Before I start explaining in gloriously in-depth detail about my week, I need to let you know that today I decided to go to the bank before the bank holiday started. This was an Amazing Decision, because today ALL the banks were having a party! When I went in, I was presented with a fruit smoothie and fresh fruit kebabs, then had to wait to be served while a group of children were photographed holding OBERBANK balloons. After grappling my way through the paparazzi (a less normal experience for me than you’d expect, given my celeb-status) I was presented with a stall giving me a pick of playing cards, key rings and notebooks. THEN, and only then, did I manage to get the counter, where I found out I have either been paid early or Mr.Zaheya E.Attar, Manager Emirates NBD {national bank of Dubai} Khalediya, who emailed me last month was NOT a fraudster! (because I have money in my bank account). I asked the person who gave me the smoothie why there were free smoothies. He replied, cryptically, that it was ‘World Saving Day’, and then refused to elaborate. In truth I don’t think he knew any more about it than I did – he looked about 15 years old. It’s obviously quite a big thing though as, leaving the bank, I saw the main square in Amstetten had a giant Sparkasse bouncy castle in it. This made me smile, because at the school ball, it was the manager of Sparkasse who I accosted and gave golfing tips to.

Enough about the banks, pleaseeee, I hear you grovel! Okay, here is what I’ve been up to J

Last weekend was a ‘long weekend’ as Austria celebrated its National Day. I wore my Dirndl as a sign of solidarity with Austrian independence, and we went to Vienna. FUN FACT: People in Vienna, as a rule, do not wear Dirndl. In fact, evidence suggests only one person was wearing a dirndl in Vienna that day (me.) Despite this, nobody really gave me any funny looks, though one little rascal did insult my shoes (this didn’t upset me too much as I know they are ugly shoes). We went to Heldenplatz where there were soldiers and a funfair. The centre of Vienna is pretty impressive, which a lot of huge white buildings. I was with another TA who had lived in Vienna for a while and so knew a bit about the history and stuff and she gave me the inside info. I could share this with you now, but I’ve forgotten most of what she said :S Everyone in Heldenplatz was having a great time. I captured the magic in this photograph, which I think you’ll agree is pretty goddam artistic:

JUST BEFORE this photo was taken, a young man handed us a leaflet for the MAK museum open day, so we went. It is the museum for applied arts, and it was really great! We saw some kind of traditional eastern Asian drumming, got free tea, got a free poster, ate Vietnamese food etcetc

The most exciting thing about the day was that when we were wondering around the train station in the morning, I heard a musical, joyful voice calling my name. Then, appearing before my eyes in a hazy mirage of wonder, was my darling friend Eva who I haven’t seen for over a year!  She lives and studies in Vienna, and in the evening we went to her ‘WG’ and ate pasta. It was top notch.

On Saturday a TA friend got me a ticket to her ball. This was in Wieselburg, which translated means Weasel Mountain (lol), and was basically a young farmers’ ball. It was vast, with thousands of guests and some really talented dancers. I wished Jamie Smith had been there with me. Dancing with Jamie Smith was a life-changing experience for me, and I’d recommend it for any girl looking for a good time! He’s only good for dancing though, as his hair may be red but his heart is black.

We gave the disco a good go, but all the young farmers had got PISSED and were flailing around in a very unsightly manner. Managed to survive long enough to hear ‘Is This The Way to Amarillo?’ (I was the only one chanting WOLVERHAMPTON) then we escaped to see the end of a set by a 70s tribute band. When we left the ball it was snowing!!!!

Regular readers will be dying to know how my HOT BEACH CUBAN BOD 2K13 plan is going. Well, in the past week alone I have been to the swimming pool twice AND to my new POWER PLATE CLASS. The first time I went to the pool was for an Aquarobics class. I was pretty apprehensive, however my Expert Swimmer Housmate from Manchester (aka Jess) reassured me it would be full of old people. She wasn’t wrong! The class was run by a tanned, middle aged aerobics instructor with buns of steel who stood at the side of the pool and acted out energetic aerobics routines with unbridled enthusiasm and a terrifying grin. I didn’t feel much pressure to keep up with her though, as nobody seemed to take much notice of what she was doing. No matter what action she demonstrated for us to follow, the mass of elderly, bingo-winged ladies surrounding me merely bobbed up and down and generally displayed a complete disregard for the rhythm of the music AND the recommended dance routines. Every now and then one of the more enthusiastic participants would raise an arm out of the water and wiggle a bit, and at one point the woman in front of me span in a circle for about a minute.

The second time I went to the swimming pool, I took a friend, which meant I was even brave enough to actually do some swimming! I also tried out the slide and the sauna. The sauna was not good as it made me want to giggle and every time I giggled I breathed in a whole room full of steam and coughed and choked. We were in there for under three minutes. The slide was much more enjoyable. The swimming, however, was tiring, confusing and did not last very long. I’m going to try and go again though, and maybe if I keep practising I’ll get better. 

Today, however, things took a turn for the worse. Getting to school for 7.30am means I always need a nap in the afternoon, and today my name lasted too long and I missed my power plates class! This may well be a good thing, however, because one of my teachers today said she thought I looked pale and suggested I have a good rest. This won’t be too hard, as it’s another bank holiday tomorrow and so I have a four day weekend!

To conclude, I give you the excellent news that I found a Mango Outlet store in a nearby town yesterday, and bought two wool coats for 25 euros each. I only need one, but I got a bit carried away. Now I’m searching for a nice hat to complete the winter look! I’ll keep you updated.

Sazboo x

Eternal SUNSHINE for the Spotless MIND!

I know what you're thinking - and yes, I have seen the film "Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind" and, after reading the synopsis on IMDB in order to jog my memory of it, it seems that the only similarity between my life and that of the characters is that I had forgotten the plot of the film. (Like they forget stuff too!?!?!? ****CuLtUrAl ReFeReNcE!****)The reason that this particular informative blog contribution is entitled "Eternal SUNSHINE for the Spotless MIND!" is because it was the only phrase I could think of that included sunshine ;-)

Yahoo has predicted the following weather experience for Graz (where my training week is) and Amstetten (my "Final Destination") [<<<<<< ***AnOtHeR cUlTuRaL rEfErEnCe!!!!!****]:

"Yahoo" indeed! Time to put the woolly jumpers back into the loft and whip out my sexy tankini! Hellooooooo boiz :-P

Also my extensive research has unearthed yet more treasures. Amstetten has it's own indoor heated swimming pool - but this is no ordinary indoor heated swimming pool: IT'S A NATURE POOL!! 

A nature pool is very different from a naturist pool. The company which installed it's air conditioning, Menerga, describes it thus: 

"The planting vegetation of the property has been adopted into the swimming pool hall, thus intensifying the expression of a nature pool idea. The existing nature could be maximised to a real nature experience through the transparent composition. A glass facade leaves the impression to bathe under the sky."

It looks really cool, here's a photo of the pool and also a photo of how I expect I shall be relaxing after soothing dip:
  The pool
 Moi in a sultry towelling robe

I have also edited and photo-shopped a passport photo to attach to all my forms. I blended out my wrinkles!! Who needs foundation when you are a technology pro!?

Please don't leave a barrage of negative comments on my hairline, it affects my self-esteem.

After 5 days of recieving continual abuse in Manchester (I quote: "Sarah this room stank when you lived in it" "Well you did live in squalor" "look, Lauren brought a floor lamp. What did you contribute to the house? NOTHING" "Nothing but a stinky room" "Looking at the pale skin on your arms is like staring at a sack of bones. It's revolting." etcetcetc ad infinitum *crying* *facepalm!!!!*) I am now back at home and starting some Serious Packing. 

******CRYPTIC CROSSWORD STYLE CONUNDRUM*****

Q: What's backwards in packing?

A: PaNIcking? 

do you get it? I'm panicking when I'm packing, then I'm back-tracking, then I'm whacking (myself on the head and crying).

I leave on Monday though so it will all have to have come together by then - and being a confident, independent and articulate young woman, I just know it will be!

AMAZING - AMOROUS - AMORPHOUS ... AMSTETTEN!

After a long-awaited and stress-filled ticket purchase from Ryan Air, in one month and one day and one hour I will be sat aboard a luxurious Boeing 737-800 aeroplane and flying to Graz in Austria. Seeing as that's such a long time away I am taking every given opportunity to prepare myself for my time away.

To begin with I paid an extortionate amount of money for a Francesco Academy hairdresser to paint my hair and wrap it up in foil and bake it then wash it in a sink. It was extremely exciting and gave me a million spaceship-themed fancy dress ideas. My STYLIST was called JOSH and he was just lovely, my favourite thing was that he didn't make me talk too much and also he wanted me to look 'sun-kissed' which was marvellous. Here is a photo of me looking my most beautiful.

This will help me on a year abroad because when communication with the locals is impossible, being extremely beautiful will help me get by. It will help me be a good teacher because everybody respects somebody with fake blonde hair!

My next step to year abroad success was to buy my guide book to Austria. I haven't got one for Cuba yet because, having read The Old Man and the Sea, I think I already know everything there is to know about that particular country.

The  book has a lovely, smooth cover and is brand new! Unexpectedly the city of Melk, which is where my 'second' school is located, is cited as one of the highlights of Austria! Unfortunately so far I haven't found any mentions the town where I'm actually living, but it does feature on a map on page 32.

Amstetten!!!!

So seeing as there was no info about Amstetten in the guidebook, I decided to revisit the Wikipedia page. The town apparently has a population about about 22,000 - only about half the population of the University of Manchester, let alone Manchester itself. There are two sentences which still leap out at me when I read the very short description on Wikipedia:

Hickersberger turns out to be a 'well-known' football player.

However, seeing as I'm becoming a teacher, I thought I'd follow the advice I'm sure I'll be giving before long, and ignore Wikipedia - I went straight to the source and visited Amstetten's own website! This iss obviously written in German and my dodgy dodgy detusch skills led to considerable confusion. To begin with I thought I'd found details of some kind of festival happening in the city from 1st-17th October! Entitled "Serrmüllsammlung 2012" it soon transpired that this is the annual "bulky garbage collection". Should be fun though! Right?

I have been emailing the teacher who will be looking after me, and he seems very helpful. Although at first everyone got confused about whether I was meant to be there for the whole year, it seems the school can help organise my accommodation, and living in such a small town means travel isn't a problem as you can walk everywhere! In the snow! I hope I don't fall over :-S

So overall I think I'm pretty much ready to go. Now I can relax for the next 30 days, after all this hard work researching.