Week three in Seville

Hello dear readers,

I have now spent three weeks in Seville and after bragging and lolling about how sunny it was here the temperatures have PLUMMETED and no clothes that I've brought here are warm enough!!

I didn't write a blog post last week. The truth is, I was suffering terribly and I didn't want to worry you. I wanted to be brave, and pretend that I was okay and write a happy blog post, but I wasn't strong enough. At times we didn't know if I'd be able to last until the end of the work programme, and there were at least three days when I woke up in  the morning and I thought to myself, "Oh dear I do NOT feel well!". It begun with a sore throat and rumbled along into a runny nose and some real GROGGINESS, you know what I mean? But you'll be relieved to hear that somehow I have managed to struggle through. I still have a lot of phlegm in my nostrils though, and so I've spent the last few days really surprising people at how loudly I blow my nose. Nobody in the office has mentioned it which is very awkward as sometimes I blow my nose so loudly that the pen pot rattles, so I'm sure they've noticed it.

This weekend I went on an exciting adventure to Madrid to visit a Dear Friend. Madrid is in Spain, and so is Seville, but let me tell you Spain is much bigger than you think it is! I've just looked it up and as a point of comparison Edinburgh is closer to Birmingham than Madrid is to Seville - its over 500km. They have one of those super fast space age trains that only takes 2.5 hours but it costs more than I could sell my kidney for. The next quickest option is car! So I decided to take a Blablacar, which in the words of my Oldest Sister is "like hitch hiking, but worse." Its a website where people who are driving places offer up any spare seats in their car for a fee - you pay them to get in their car. Its sounds super creepy to me because I'm English and I'm scared of strangers, confined spaces with strangers and strangers on the internet. But in Spain its really normal. They seem to really like confined spaces with strangers. In the tiny lift in my office building, for example, everybody says hello when they get in AND "see you later" when they get out. Which is surprising when you think the normal thing to do in a lift is stare at the ground so you avoid eye contact and really sneakily check yourself out in the mirror. (BTW Spain is arguably less weird than Austria where in train cabins they used to say "greetings to God!" and "you're welcome").

So anyway Blablacar is normal here and it was also really fun. It was also great to practice Spanish and it was fun to meet some, like, real life Spanish people who are just going about their business and are surprised to see a little English girl waddling along being all confused and cute (that's me btw. Nobody's described me as cute yet but its how I'm trying to project myself).

Last time I went to Madrid with another Dear Friend we were basically hijaked by the Dear Pope who had decided to pop over from the Vatican along with millions of Young Catholics. (I really do mean millions). We both agreed that it was literally the worst thing ever. But this time it was so fun, and Madrid was very pretty and fancy.

There are so many other things I can write about!! But we're all getting tired so I will leave you with an interesting question. 'Blah blah' in English obviously refers to chatting, which is where I assumed the name BlaBlaCar came from. But in Spanish, to talk is 'hablar', and 'he talks' is 'habla', which sounds a bit like 'bla bla' and looks a bit like 'blah', and I'm like, is that related? Is that why we say Blah Blah? Please send your answers on a blank postcard with a self addressed envelope to PO Box CUTE.GIRL.IN.SEVILLE., best answer wins a Kinder Egg and a gold Blue Peter Badge.

xxxxxxxxxx

"I WANT YOU IN MY ARMS, INFLAMED WITH PASSION!" -SCORRRRRRRPIA

Saw a sunset on the way home today :o) BECAUSE I WAS WORKING SO LONG THAT NIGHT HAD BEGUN TO FALL WAHHHH!

I’m currently sitting in my spick and span, freshly cleaned flat. My seriously cute landlady employs a seriously cute cleaner. Now, I know people call me over-dramatic. They say, “Sarah, you use too many superlatives. You just exaggerate everything to make your life sound more interesting when really your life is nothing more than living with an old lady and being ignored by stubborn teenagers and eating-yourself-podgy.” Well, screw the haters, okay? I like superlatives and I like capital letters. And my cleaner is THE BEST CLEANER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER!!!  I was at work when she visited today, so I have no idea how she managed to create order from such chaos, but now every single thing I own is in neat, attractively arranged piles. In my imagination, she achieved this with a Mary Poppins/Snow White-esque pirouette around my room, with a bit of help from a friendly bluebird. She even took the packed lunch I made myself and forgotten to take with me to work out of its bag and popped it in the fridge so it was still fresh enough for supper!  I feel a mixture of awe, shame and respect when I think about it.

Ordentlich!

DISCLAIMER : I did actually ‘tidy up’ before she came. I spent about 3 hours ‘tidying up’ but it will probably come to no surprise to you that after ‘tidying up’ my flat looked like most normal people’s flats look like just before they start tidying up.

ANYWAY, now for more vaguely blog worthy exploits:

Yesterday was the end of another long weekend. This long weekend was even more special than usual, for two reasons. Firstly, because it was to celebrate Duke Leopold of Austria, who I am able to reliably inform you kidnapped King Richard the Lion Heart and then trapped him in Lower Austria (which is where I live) (in Lower Austria, not in Duke Leopold’s prison LmFaO-O-o-o-!) (I know this because I once had a starring role in a particularly acclaimed production of ‘Robin Hood’, which was so successfully it actually toured the world.) Secondly, because for some reason all the shops in Amstetten really embraced the opportunity for extra custom and STAYED OPEN all day! Even though it was a bank holiday! *AMAZING* Even my super-duper powerplate class stayed open, and because it was a bank holiday they had a little ‘Open Day’ which mean I got free champagne and salmon nibbles after my session. I even got chatting to some of the middle-aged patrons of the powerplate class and we had a bit of banter.

In the evening I attended my SECOND Kulturwochen event! I was invited to accompany my little old landlady to ‘French Night’.  ‘French Night’ was at a local hotel and involved a pianist and a singer performing famous French songs, as well as French wine and French food and French flags banging around all over the place. We didn’t booked a table, and when we arrived the waitress suggested we sit on one of the free tables round the corner, but this would mean we wouldn’t be able to see the performance, so instead little old landlady just pulled up a chair to the VIP table where the singer’s family and closest friends were sitting, as well as the photographers from the local paper. We had such a good view! Landlady was pissing herself laughing at how cheeky we were. We got some wine and some quiche l’orraine and then we had a pancake and I tried to talk in Spanish with a Peruvian but it was embarrassingly difficult and I got all muddled and though I started the sentences in English they’d meander through some basic English to a little bit of German and then trail into nothing. AWKWARD! Anyway, the quiche was AHHHHHHHHH-mazing. The pancake was also good. My little old landlady especially liked the fact it was soaked in alcohol.

On Friday I went to Vienna. This was amazing because I met some other teaching assistants and we went for a curry. I love curry. I love curry so much, and the curry was so delicious, and the naan bread was so garlicy, and it was a total 10/10. Then we went to an ex-whore-house, which reminded me of how my mother used to live in an ex-whore-house, but  I didn’t mention this because I was scared people would judge me :S :S :S

One of my friends who lives in Vienna (one of MANY friends I happen to have, being so popular and in with the in crowd) recommended we go to the Naschmarkt, SO WE DID! The Naschmarkt is a flea market and it was really, really, really exciting because I found a stall that sold loads of white linen blouses and I bought two. It was my favourite thing I’d done in Vienna UNTIL THAT POINT!! We also went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and all I have to say about that is don’t go. Then we did things like drink sociably and eat burgers and chit chat and mix up an order in a posh brunch restaurant etcetc. I reward the whole Viennese experience a Rachel-Eyre-8/8.

I came home on Sunday because I knew I’d have to spend several hours cleaning the flat in preparation for the cleaner, but then on Monday, like The Real Slim Shady, I was back – back again. This time to go to the State Opera. I’d never been to the opera before and I was a bit apprehensive because the ballet we went to in year 7 was totally D. U. L. L. However, the whole experience was totally like it happens in Pretty Woman, except instead of being accompanied by Richard Greer, I was surrounded by a group of snoozy teenage students in dinner jackets. But the Opera was SO GOOD! It was a lot better than the ballet, which may be because ballet just isn’t for me, or may be because I saw the ballet at The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton, and I saw the opera in one of the best opera houses in the world. Predictably, the audience clapped lengthily and enthusiastically at every available opportunity. At one point a particularly raucous audience member hollered “BRAVO!” with such good projection that I assumed it was part of the performance. What was also INSANELY COOL was that because of some kind of youth integration thing we not only got the tickets really, really cheap (15 euros for seats in the stalls, which every classy lady knows are the Best Seats) but also got a backstage tour of the opera house and I got to stand on the stage! It’s so beautiful! My American Assistant Friend, whose school we were with, and I were about 350% more excited about the whole thing than any of the students.  I loved it. I want to go back, and be an opera singer, and have a standing ovation, and jump off a tall building but then run around from behind the set for my standing ovation, and wear a wig and stuff.

THAT WAS MA WEEK!!!  I’ll leave you with the incredible exciting news that Mr and Mrs Collings shall be descending upon the capital city in two short days! GOD ONLY KNOWS what the hell is going to happen!

As they say in Austria, 

“Lovely greetings”, Sarah.

xooxo

Happy …. WoRlD sAvInGs DaY!!!!

Before I start explaining in gloriously in-depth detail about my week, I need to let you know that today I decided to go to the bank before the bank holiday started. This was an Amazing Decision, because today ALL the banks were having a party! When I went in, I was presented with a fruit smoothie and fresh fruit kebabs, then had to wait to be served while a group of children were photographed holding OBERBANK balloons. After grappling my way through the paparazzi (a less normal experience for me than you’d expect, given my celeb-status) I was presented with a stall giving me a pick of playing cards, key rings and notebooks. THEN, and only then, did I manage to get the counter, where I found out I have either been paid early or Mr.Zaheya E.Attar, Manager Emirates NBD {national bank of Dubai} Khalediya, who emailed me last month was NOT a fraudster! (because I have money in my bank account). I asked the person who gave me the smoothie why there were free smoothies. He replied, cryptically, that it was ‘World Saving Day’, and then refused to elaborate. In truth I don’t think he knew any more about it than I did – he looked about 15 years old. It’s obviously quite a big thing though as, leaving the bank, I saw the main square in Amstetten had a giant Sparkasse bouncy castle in it. This made me smile, because at the school ball, it was the manager of Sparkasse who I accosted and gave golfing tips to.

Enough about the banks, pleaseeee, I hear you grovel! Okay, here is what I’ve been up to J

Last weekend was a ‘long weekend’ as Austria celebrated its National Day. I wore my Dirndl as a sign of solidarity with Austrian independence, and we went to Vienna. FUN FACT: People in Vienna, as a rule, do not wear Dirndl. In fact, evidence suggests only one person was wearing a dirndl in Vienna that day (me.) Despite this, nobody really gave me any funny looks, though one little rascal did insult my shoes (this didn’t upset me too much as I know they are ugly shoes). We went to Heldenplatz where there were soldiers and a funfair. The centre of Vienna is pretty impressive, which a lot of huge white buildings. I was with another TA who had lived in Vienna for a while and so knew a bit about the history and stuff and she gave me the inside info. I could share this with you now, but I’ve forgotten most of what she said :S Everyone in Heldenplatz was having a great time. I captured the magic in this photograph, which I think you’ll agree is pretty goddam artistic:

JUST BEFORE this photo was taken, a young man handed us a leaflet for the MAK museum open day, so we went. It is the museum for applied arts, and it was really great! We saw some kind of traditional eastern Asian drumming, got free tea, got a free poster, ate Vietnamese food etcetc

The most exciting thing about the day was that when we were wondering around the train station in the morning, I heard a musical, joyful voice calling my name. Then, appearing before my eyes in a hazy mirage of wonder, was my darling friend Eva who I haven’t seen for over a year!  She lives and studies in Vienna, and in the evening we went to her ‘WG’ and ate pasta. It was top notch.

On Saturday a TA friend got me a ticket to her ball. This was in Wieselburg, which translated means Weasel Mountain (lol), and was basically a young farmers’ ball. It was vast, with thousands of guests and some really talented dancers. I wished Jamie Smith had been there with me. Dancing with Jamie Smith was a life-changing experience for me, and I’d recommend it for any girl looking for a good time! He’s only good for dancing though, as his hair may be red but his heart is black.

We gave the disco a good go, but all the young farmers had got PISSED and were flailing around in a very unsightly manner. Managed to survive long enough to hear ‘Is This The Way to Amarillo?’ (I was the only one chanting WOLVERHAMPTON) then we escaped to see the end of a set by a 70s tribute band. When we left the ball it was snowing!!!!

Regular readers will be dying to know how my HOT BEACH CUBAN BOD 2K13 plan is going. Well, in the past week alone I have been to the swimming pool twice AND to my new POWER PLATE CLASS. The first time I went to the pool was for an Aquarobics class. I was pretty apprehensive, however my Expert Swimmer Housmate from Manchester (aka Jess) reassured me it would be full of old people. She wasn’t wrong! The class was run by a tanned, middle aged aerobics instructor with buns of steel who stood at the side of the pool and acted out energetic aerobics routines with unbridled enthusiasm and a terrifying grin. I didn’t feel much pressure to keep up with her though, as nobody seemed to take much notice of what she was doing. No matter what action she demonstrated for us to follow, the mass of elderly, bingo-winged ladies surrounding me merely bobbed up and down and generally displayed a complete disregard for the rhythm of the music AND the recommended dance routines. Every now and then one of the more enthusiastic participants would raise an arm out of the water and wiggle a bit, and at one point the woman in front of me span in a circle for about a minute.

The second time I went to the swimming pool, I took a friend, which meant I was even brave enough to actually do some swimming! I also tried out the slide and the sauna. The sauna was not good as it made me want to giggle and every time I giggled I breathed in a whole room full of steam and coughed and choked. We were in there for under three minutes. The slide was much more enjoyable. The swimming, however, was tiring, confusing and did not last very long. I’m going to try and go again though, and maybe if I keep practising I’ll get better. 

Today, however, things took a turn for the worse. Getting to school for 7.30am means I always need a nap in the afternoon, and today my name lasted too long and I missed my power plates class! This may well be a good thing, however, because one of my teachers today said she thought I looked pale and suggested I have a good rest. This won’t be too hard, as it’s another bank holiday tomorrow and so I have a four day weekend!

To conclude, I give you the excellent news that I found a Mango Outlet store in a nearby town yesterday, and bought two wool coats for 25 euros each. I only need one, but I got a bit carried away. Now I’m searching for a nice hat to complete the winter look! I’ll keep you updated.

Sazboo x

avin a bawwwwll!!!!

I was back in Melk today. I do like Melk, but am really unconvinced by the concept of ‘commuting’ anywhere and it was very difficult to get out of my warm (SINGLE) bed into the freezing cold ice igloo that is my flat this morning. However, today the cleaner came and two brilliant things happened. Firstly, I thought the cleaner cost fifty euros, but she only costs twenty! She slaved away for over two hours, did my washing up, hovered, changed my bedding AND (second brilliant thing) showed me how to use the heating! So now I am sitting in only one jumper, luxuriously enjoying the benefits of a central heating system which, like everything else in this building, has not been updated since the height of the cold war. (<<<<<<<Ironic! :P)

For the past three weeks, Amstetten has been going chicken oriental for what I was reliably informed was one of THE social events of the season – the HLW Ball. My students (who organised the ball) told me it was the BEST ball in Amstetten, Austria and maybe even the world. When I asked them if they ever went to other balls, they were nearly sick into their vocab books, so disgusting the idea seemed to them.

The idea of the ball had been stressing me out, mainly because I was not only going without a date (perfectly normal for me as I am in INDEPENDENT WOMAN), I had to go to this one without anyone. Neither friend nor foe were prepared to accompany me, meaning I was waddling to the venue (late) on Saturday evening completely alone, trying to blend into a vast crowd of Austrians streaming towards the door :'( I had, however, received help in getting READY for the ball. Last weekend I went to Innsbruck and received lots of fashion advice from my friends there, and bought a dress. When I showed the dress to my landlady she got very excited, and gave me seven different shawls to wear with it. Going from personal experience, I thought a shawl would be a bit showy and I’d be unlikely to see anybody else in one there. I nearly didn't wear it. Thank god I did. These people take their balls seriously – the lovely woman I was seated by was wearing a full length, bejewelled dress with a silk shawl and an up-do. It was beyond posh.

Anyway, I plopped myself down by these strangers and tried to do some small talk in German, which mainly involved me repeating strange German words I didn’t understand whilst wearing a confused face:

Austrian lady: So, do you flobbidyjibbywaber?
Me: Do I flobbidyjibbywaber?!!?
Austrian lady: Flobbidyjibbywaber.
Me: Flobbidyjibbywaber!?
Austrian lady: flobbidyjibbywaber...
Me: Yes!

Smiling and agreeing generally seems to either answer the question, or encourage them to stop trying.

The event was attended by about 1500 people – students, parents, teachers, friends and locals. It opened with a performance of the female students either dancing with their boyfriends or their fathers. They danced to ‘You Raise Me Up’ by Westlife, and at the appropriate moment, the fathers lifted their daughters into the air and looked solemn. Regular fans will not be surprised to hear I was choking back tears at this point: totes emotes.

I was sat by a student from Vienna who was unfortunate enough to ask me a question JUST  as the big band started playing Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers’ “Islands in the Stream”, and I started hyperventilating with excitement. Obviously sensing a chance of romance, he offered to dance with me. I’ve always believed myself to be a very good dancer, possessing natural rhythm and grace. However, after stepping on his feet about 17 times we had to stop and it was very awkward.

There were five or six bars – one for ‘beer’ (it’s lager.), one for Champagne, one for cocktails, one for shots etc etc. I went to them all. Near the ‘beer’ bar, in the room for the hip young things, some of my students performed in a band and people cheered and drank mugs of beer (me too!). Some of them came and shouted at me things like “IT MUST BE SO WEIRD FOR YOU TO SEE PEOPLE DRUNK WHO ARENT 21!!!” (wrong) and “YOU CAME WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND!” (also wrong.) One student told me that she LOVES my lessons. She is my new favourite.

At midnight there was another huge performance which included the headmaster dressed as some kind of prince and many dance routines:

For one of the dances they dressed in Lederhosen and smacked eachother's bottoms (hilarious)

Grand Finale.

When it ended, everyone was weeping and cheering and they did a little encore. After two more glasses of wine, the headmaster invited me to come and drink with the VIPs (it was only made apparent to me later on that they were VIPs). By this time I’d had a vicious cocktail of alcohol, and was feeling emotional, enthusiastic and over-excited. I simply GUSHED about the headmaster’s performance and how wonderful it was to get all the students involved, then started prattling away to the local important business man who had sponsored the event. Yes, in hindsight, I am embarrassed about this; however, I have no regrets.

Here is a photo of that I took of myself in the disabled toilet. At the time, I thought it looked really wacky and cool and like I was eating my own camera. I think you’ll agree!

"You left me standing in my LBD with my bang bang shoes - I was so confused!"

After the solo photoshoot in the toilet, I felt a bit peckish, so snacked on some salmon and caviare entrees (tasted fishy...in both senses of the word!!!) then decided to waddle back home. I got back at 3am, and in the morning Little Old Landlady was appalled. “3am!?” she cried. “They usually don’t get back until at least seven!”

It was a pretty exciting night, but I’m even more excited for this weekend, as one of my fellow TA friends thinks she’ll be able to acquire me a ticket to attend her ball and this will mean I won’t be going alone! And, because it’s in a different town, I can wear the exact same outfit. SCORE!!!!!!!!!! :P

Melk, you beauty!

Here in Austria I’m working at two schools .The first, which is the school who have to deal with all my paperwork and mood swings, is in Amstetten and is a school focussed on hospitality. The second is a grammar school which is situated in Austria’s version of Disneyland (Melk). A huge abbey built on the top of a hill in Melk, Stift Melk is so big that it is literally impossible to get a complete photograph of it without a helicopter. After leaving my house at 6.40AM (!!!!) I travel to Melk on a 33 minute train ride. The train line follows the river Donau, which had lots of mist rolling over it in the mornings, and the water was quite calm last week and a beautiful colour. Being a relatively ‘flat’ part of Austria, you get a wonderful view of the sunrise and then you turn a corner and the Abbey suddenly appears out of the mist, huge and symbolically intimidating, like the ice berg in Titanic (except yellow). As commutes go, it’s quite impressive, and certainly makes the early mornings almost bearable (I also like to play ’21 seconds’ by So Solid Crew to get myself going).

This is genuinely what it looks like!

I liked it a lot, and the town is also very lovely with little, traditional buildings and a market on a Wednesday. One of the coolest things about the school is that it has huge oak doors in the corridors which open automatically, like magic! One of the least cool things about the school is that you have to climb about 935,000 steps to get to it, and by the time I get to the top, I’m really out of puff!!!!

Seeing as I am now working in Disneyland, I decided I needed to complete the look so, despite refusing to spend money on a coat (who needs a coat!? in Austria!?) I bit the bullet and [BIG NEWS!!!] bought myself a Dirndl. I got it in an incredible shop where I wanted to buy everything. Austrian traditional dress seems to involve a lot of velvet, reindeer and buckles: my three favourite things! Mine was reduced from 200 euros to 39.99. It's a lilac colour to match the lilac tree that was planted in my honour in Wolverhampton (by my parents in my garden) and has little reindeers leaping all over the skirt. A dirndl is made up of the dress, a little blouse and an apron. You can also get AMAZING VELVET JACKETS but I couldn't afford one, so it's on my 'wishlist', along with a pair of ruby slippers and comprehension of the German language.

Here is me looking like even more like a princess than usual:

The best thing about the Dirndl is that it has pockets. I tied my bow on the left so all the fellas know  I'm free, single, and ready to mingle! That's also why I chose green.

Lol self timer

They were all full length. I might take it up to knee-length, if I'm feeling paticularly cheeky. 

When the hell are you going to wear a Dirndl!?!? I hear you cry in indignation. Why, around the house, when I'm feeling sad.

My Snow White-inspired lifestyle has NOT ended there! After accumulating some rather ripe bananas I decided to release my inner Mary Berry and, instead of throwing them away, made a cheeky Banana Bread. Naturally, this activity took me an entire day to complete and involved spending much more money than the bananas were worth. Baking ingredients in Austria is not the same as baking ingredients in the UK (I blame there extensive variety of baked goods). I had to resort to accosting random strangers in the supermarket for advice, especially in the flour section, where I was really baffled. One day I'll look up the German words for the ingredients I want BEFORE I go to the supermarket, but not this week.  (EDIT: BTW See my recipe for banana bread cake balls here).

FlOuR!!!!

A picture of my banana bread. It was so good, and I gave some to my landlady's daughter and she  LOVED it, despite repeatedly telling me 'it's not bread, it's cake'. I was like, yeah BUT ITS CALLED BREAD OKAYYYY?????? :S

I used the  Guardian's perfect banana bread recipe  and it the best banana bread I've ever eaten (sorry dad.)

Whilst making my banana bread I utilised some of the wacky 70's equipment in my kitchen, including this weighing scale:

It really is a weighing scale, and it seemed to work, but I've never seen anything like it. Exciting new things!

And IN CONCLUSION here are some pix I took of Melk!

Entrance

Second entrance 

Inside the Abbey with some atmospheric birds circling the dome.  The window to my office is on the first floor on the right.

Several Exciting Things

[NB: I have been accused (more than once) of ‘overusing’ CAPITAL LETTERS for DRAMATIC EFFECT, so I have decided to limit myself and have only used Capital Letter for the beginning of words which are Important. I hope you appreciate and enjoy this change in my writing style.]

Several Very Exciting Things have happened over the past few days. First of all, I had my First Interaction with an Austrian Builder 2k12. I found him lurking in the basement which until that point I did not know existed. He had a strong local accent so I didn’t understand a word he said, and had to resort to smiling politely and slowly backing away.

THEN I went on a pre-arranged outing that my mentor teacher signed me up for. This wasaorganised by the English department of the Grammar School next door and involved a trip to a traditional pub that was celebrating ‘Knudltag’, or, for monolinguals: “Dumpling Day”. “Knudl” sounds a lot like “canoodle” so I have been saying it as much as possible! We drove up into the mountains and when we arrived the waiter shook all of our hands and the owner of the pub came out to greet us extremely cheerfully! “Gruβ Gott!” he hollered, and we all hollered back! We sat in the baking sun, looking over views of the mountains. I was served three courses of dumpling based dishes, starting with Liver Dumpling Soup, which I dutifully finished, despite a flavour and texture I would not recommend you try unless forced to by politeness. Then we had a main course of savory dumplings and ‘sauerkraut’, which is basically a very disappointing version of coleslaw. The weirdest thing about Dumpling Day is that all the Dumplings are the same and only the filling changes. So we had plum and Nutella dumplings that were made of the same dumpling as the meat and lard dumplings (!!!!) but I ate them all anyway. I was treated to the meal by one of the English teachers and I certainly enjoyed the nice traditional experience, even though I don’t know if I’d eat so many dumplings again ever again. Nobody had a satisfying explanation of why Dumpling Day existed; in fact they found it strange I even questioned it.

The most exciting thing about Dumpling Day was that [SIGNIFICANT DRAMATIC PAUSE] I made a New American Friend!  My New American Friend works as a teaching assistant at the Grammar school and has been here a year. After Dumpling Day she showed me some of the sights of Amstetten, which were a statue of a wolf and…well, that was it, actually, but we also had some coffee at a little coffee shop and treated ourselves to some ice cream.

When I was wondering home, I fantasised about how pleasant it would be to pee as soon as I got in, as all the dumplings were pressing on my bladder and I needed the ‘WC’. However, I was soon beckoned from my path by a dark, mysterious figure, rather like the wolf in little Red Riding Hood. As I approached I soon realised it was my Dear Old Landlady, who was waiting to go into the Grammar school, where she used to work, to attend some kind of event. She couldn’t really explain what exactly the event was, but she encouraged me to come in with her, so I did, keeping a beady eye for the toilets. It soon became apparent it was an evening held for the ‘friends of the school’ and it’s beneficiaries, and not everybody was entirely delighted to see me tagging along. Everyone was dressed very smartly and I was still in my Dumpling Day outfit. We went upstairs and they promptly began giving long speeches in fast and complicated German. This, and the fact that there was no toilet break, meant I was eagerly awaiting it all to be over. However, when it did end, they presented us with alcohol and nibbles, and Dear Old Landlady introduced me to all the important people. I spoke to the music teacher who’s in an orchestra, and I asked if I could join too, and then he told me about trips they made to the opera and to musicals in Vienna. Dear Old Landlady left then, but made me stay because I think she (rightly) thought I needed to make some friends. I spoke to one of the girls who had provided musical entertainment during the talks, who had just graduated high school and is now studying medicine in Vienna. She was completely fluent in English, and it turned out that because her mum was an English teacher and they both loved period dramas. This gave us a LOT to talk about – they’d even seen Cranford! They gave me loads of tips of German books and poetry to read to help me improve, and then gave me a lift home.

I took this photo with my camera!

On Saturday, New American Friend and I went to Vienna for ‘Night at the Museum’, where you buy a ticket to for 13 euros which lets you go into about 122 museums that stay open until 1am. We met at the train station, but by the team we’d gotten tickets and got ourselves sorted there was only one minute until the train left which meant we had to RUN through the underpass and down the platform. A woman with a scooter leapt to our assistants and held the door open for us, and we jumped on as the train was starting to leave the platform. It was So Cool. The excitement, thankfully, did not stop there. The train was like a modern Harry Potter train. After being screamed at by a very irate young lady in the corridor, we went into the only compartment with spare seats where Mr Charistmatic was stting. Mr Charismatic told us that it was a compartment for ‘retired people’ only, (by which I think he meant disabled people), but if the ticket lady asked we could say we were with him as he had a poorly foot (NB: the ticket lady did not ask). Mr Charismatic then left us alone for a while, but once we started talking about the general election he got interested, and spent the next 40 minutes animatedly telling us about himself and how much he loved America. He was Russian, but originally Spanish, but born in Austria (?) and runs a jewellery shop with his father and a property business. I know all about him. He even showed us pictures of his family, and told us about his visits to New York. Then he gave us valuable life advice, especially on choosing a spouse, and some tips about Vienna. Eventually we reached Westbahnhof and Mr Charismatic bid us farewell.

A blurred image showing me contemplating a  marzipan gogo dancer. Regular followers may be interested to not how long my hair is! I'm wearing an unusual selection of little known high street brands (i.e. Primark and H&M) and orthopaedic shoes designed for the elderly. The woman is wearing marzipan.

Vienna is a tiny capital – it only has 5 different colours on the underground map. We started in the centre, where there’s a cathedral, and had Sturm and pancakes in a restaurant, followed by The Best Kebab of My Life. We didn’t really have a plan for the museums, but started at the Natural History Musem, were me met Other Teaching Assistants. The Natural History Museum was MANIC, there were people everywhere. There were little stalls with demonstrations and samples, where people got especially bustly. We then made a very poor decision and queued for an inordinate amount of time for a very small and rubbish marzipan experience, where they gave us free boiled sweets and NO marzipan. We left dejected, disappointed and desiccated (like a coconut!) then My New American Assistant Friend and I went to the art museum, which was INSANELY GOOD! All the walls were ornately decorated, with painted ceilings and alcoves and marble pillars. The very top had murals by Klimt, which we climbed up 3 gazillion steps to see, but it was really worth it. Then we went to the Ancient Egyptian area where there were loads of mummies, and hieroglyphics painted all over the walls. It was really, really cool. In fact it was so cool that we couldn’t drag ourselves away until we abruptly realised we had 20 minutes to get back to the train station in time for our train at 23:50, which was three tube stops away. By this time we were hobbling and wheezing from walking too much and lack of hydration, so we hobbled to the underground station and waited for the next train. When it arrived we had 10 minute left before the train left. When we got to the train station we had about four and a half minutes left. Naturally, the underground train was under the ground so we had to haul out tired, aching bodies up three escalators to get to the normal train station, where we fumbled about getting ourselves tickets from the horrid little machines. We got the tickets at 11.49. Then we had to run up another flight of stairs and to Platform 5 where the train was. We ran to the train door, but realised that this train was actually some kind of cruel ruse that Wasn’t Going Anywhere and was positioned there to confuse and upset people. The train we needed was actually the next one down the platform. This was about a 100m sprint to the doors, which we managed in I’d say about 25 seconds, which considering everything is pretty good, especially as we’d already run about 55 miles. When we got on the train we were panting heavily, I was sweating and I thought I might faint, so I went to sleep.

NEXT TIME:
Q: WOULD YOU RATHER, MELK OR MILK?
A: MELK(!!!)

DAY ONE AS AN EDUCATIONAL PROFESSIONAL

TODAY I MADE SEVERAL HUGE STEPS OF PROGRESS: I started my first day at school, I registered at the local town hall and received my “Meldezettel”, I opened a bank account, I bought a wireless-internet-dongle-thing, I continued to be ignored by my parents. BUT the most exciting event of the day: I went to the supermarket again!

On my first day at the supermarket I was just shocked to find a building I could happily describe as big. I was over-excited, overwhelmed and over-tired. Muddled, frightened and half-blind I lurched through the aisles like the drunk man in that youtube video.

Today was so different. Having learnt from previous mistakes, I made a list before arriving to try and help me focus. First stop was the vegetable aisle. I was so amazed at the vegetable aisle I almost failed to complete any other purchases. I did three circuits of it (I kid you not) and picked up all the different pumpkin/squashes in complete amazement. They have pumpkins here that look like octopuses. They have eight little legs, like octopuses. They have so many different types of pumpkins!! If you thought Butternut Squash was exotic (I did.) then prepare yourself for whole new world of wonder! Every shape, size, colour and pattern. Within seconds I was making a mental list of all the people I knew who I just had to bring to the vegetable aisle! (Be warned: your name may well be on that list!) About 35 minutes later I dragged myself away with a 2 kilo red cabbage in one hand and a bag of onions in the other, wistfully gazing back at the pumpkins. Then I found the cheese aisle. I could now list all the different types of cheeses, milk and creams available, but I think it would be easier to list what wasn’t there: cheddar. Now imagine every other kind of cheese you can: THEY HAD IT! This was pretty mind-blowing, but I kind of really wanted cheddar, so I didn’t buy any cheese. I then continued around the shop in complete bemusement and wonder until I stumbled upon the checkout and left, cabbage in one hand and a 500g pot of cranberry sauce in the other. (Breakfast tomorrow is going to be very weird.)

There is an Aldi (actually called Hoffer here) a little further down the road, I may well go there tomorrow, because I just find Merkur so incredible that I can’t get anything done! It’s like trying to do an exam in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory – there are too many distractions to make any sensible decisions!

Other interesting things that happened to me today:

I met all the other teachers and students, and all the teachers were very friendly and a lot of them had heard of Wolves. All the students looked at me fearfully, like they didn’t really know what ‘England’ was. The more frightened they looked, the more I tried to smile (to appear friendly!) and the more frightened they looked…and then the more I tried to smile… it was a vicious cycle that taught me one important life lesson: my smile is not reassuring :-S

Over and out xx

“Today is a true Odyssey” – Austrian Man on Train, 28th September 2012

[DISCLAIMER: after mixed feedback on my previous blog posts, this entry will have fewer jokes and more facts. I’ve tried to actually highlight the facts so that they’re easier to find. I didn’t highlight the jokes because that ruins the fun.] 

IM IN AMSTETTEN!!! I don't have internet at home yet but my lovely mentor teacher has let me into school so that I can come online :-) This is what happened to me so far. It's really long because I'm over-excited.  I’ve separated it into little bitesize chunks for those with short attentions spans.

PART ONE: THE JOURNEY

Odysseus has long been known as the great voyager. Forrest Gump, Columbus and Jane Ward are a few other travellers who have also made great journeys, but nobody has ever managed to survive such time consuming and cripplingly expensive adversity with as much gusto and positivity as Odysseus…

UNTIL NOW!!!! [I have now achieved that]

One week ago mother and I ‘google mapped’ the route to Stansted, and it suggested it would take 3 hours. We were like, as if it takes that long, and thinking we were much cleverer than Google maps, left the house at 7.17am for the 11.20 flight. *****FACT ALERT: THIS WAS UNWISE!****** There was really heavy rain and we got stuck before we’d even reached Walsall. It turns out the residents of Walsall are not only ‘slow’ in the figurative sense of the word, but also happen to be slow on the roadways. This was FAR from ideal. Even after we had broken free of the Midlands, it was like time was slipping through our fingers like the sand in the hourglass Jafar conjures to try and drown Jasmine once he’s a genie. Even though mother was driving like a little hooligan, by the time we saw the first sign for Stansted informing us we had 30 miles to go, we had 5 minutes to get there. I felt the following emotions:

·         Mortification

·         Stress

·         Frustration

·         Panic

·         Hunger

We got to the airport about two minutes after check in closed. As mother pulled up to the airport, I leapt out of the car and pirouetted through the revolving doors in my brand new leather brogues. Deftly noting the long queues at check-in I went straight to the ticket desk, where I waited in another queue, slowly losing the will to live. Even when I reached the front I had to wait for the small toad-like lady with huge eyes to fill in her little form before she acknowledged me, and as I checked my watch I knew the game was up – it was 10:50, the time Ryan Air cited as when the Gate would close.

Toad Lady told us that we were too late for the plane, and our only option was to transfer and fly to Linz. She was not sympathetic about this. Surprisingly, I was unable to handle the situation with the grace and stiff-upper lip of a true Englishman and was too busy boo-hooing to even respond to what she was saying, or read the map she was shoving at me, and I had to go and have a sit down and a little rest until the overexcitement had passed. It cost £110 to swap my flight and book the one to Linz, along with a train ticket to Graz. I spent the next hour being very careful that I didn’t miss the flight to Linz as well, and stood at the gate for ages waiting for them to let me on. [I also posted a very successful facebook status.]

Things looked up a bit then, the flight was okay, I had a little sleep because I was very tired from getting up early and all the excitement. Once I got to Linz, I experienced my First Interaction With an Austrian 2012:

I actually initiated this interaction by approaching an Austrian Lady who was working at the desk. “Hello.” I said. “I have ticket and I need that train station. Where…?” [NB: I was actually speaking in German but I’ve translated the conversation for English-speakers]
“I’m sorry, what?” she replied unhelpfully [NB: she was also speaking German]
I showed her my ticket and she ran away (!!!!!) But then she came back and led me outside the airport to the bus stop.
“When is your train?” She asked. When I failed to respond she threw her hands in the air and cried manically “WHEN IS YOUR TRAIN?!”
“It’s at six o’clock.” I stuttered. [NB: What I actually said was ‘es a las seis’, which is actually Spanish, and therefore helped neither of us. She was very confused.] I eventually managed to muster ‘sieben’, which means ‘seven’, and therefore was completely wrong, but anyway she seemed satisfied and left me there, and I did in fact make it to the station on time. So, overall, a complete success!

My Second Interaction With an Austrian 2012 went even better. The lady at the train station chattered to me for a bit, and I left with the impression that the trains were experiencing a power cut, and so I would have to get a coach half of the way to Graz . This is what then actually happened, which means I understood her correctly! ******VICTORY DANCE********

I finally got to Graz at 10.35pm, and another Austrian Lady invited me into her taxi, which actually wasn’t dodgy as we shared the fare and she made sure I got to the convent okay. She even wished me ‘Alles Gute’, which I thought you just used for birthdays but apparently not.

PART TWO: GRAZ

We stayed in a convent in Graz and got shipped up to a seminar in a ‘palace’ every day. There were one gazillion Americans and about four British people, some of whom weren’t even English (!!!). Thankfully I did manage to find a couple of people from Sheffield.  Their dulcet tones made me feel safe.

Our seminar was run by an English teacher called Bernhard who had an Austrian/Glaswegian accent, which turned out to be an excellent combination. The main event of the week was that we had to go and teach a lesson in a local school, causing a lot of hubbub and angst amongst the group. I was BRICKING IT but it was actually all right. We taught a class of 12 year olds, who didn’t really understand what we were going on about, but they ran around a bit and jumped up and down so it can’t have been too bad. Some of them had that evil glint in their eyes, letting us know that they could massacre us if they chose to, but their teacher was there too so thankfully that didn’t come about. 

You probably won’t be surprised that I was late arriving in Amstetten. You may well be surprised that it wasn’t my fault (!!!) A train had run off the tracks, so everything was delayed, and a friendly but misinformed local took me onto the wrong train which meant I had to change in St. Pölken. There were youths everywhere on the trains, but I didn’t feel nervous because there were also soldiers everywhere… [this is a cliff hanger – to find out why so many soldiers, read the next bit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111]

PART THREE:  AMSTETTEN

I thought Amstetten was going to be a tiny place because Wikipedia told me it only had about 20,000 inhabitants, but once I’d spoken to a few other TAs [that means“Teaching Assistants”. Just some lingo I’ve picked up!] it turned out 20,000 was quite populous. Once of my new TA friends has only 4,000 people in her town!! WOAH! The people in Amstetten actually think they live in a city! This may sound comical to you or I, but when you’re here everyone’s spread out a bit so it does look quite big. We went into the town last night and there’s a big shopping centre and some restaurants, and a town square and everything!

I’m living in a mini-flat in the ground floor of a reasonably large, detached house owned by a retired couple. The husband is quite ill, so I mostly talk to the wife (Lore Lindenhofer). She’s very friendly and accommodating, and this morning gave me breakfast and a rendition of ‘Thank You for Being a Friend’, which she learnt at English Conversation Class. Last night we went to a military parade. *FACT ALERT!!!:::: Young men in Austria have to do military service when they leave school* This year a load of them are staying in military barracks just outside Amstetten, and they all arrived today. They stood in lines and a military band played some traditional Austrian music. Mr Lindenhofer used to be a drummer so he drummed along with his walking sticks which alarmed some people, but I quite liked. Then the soldiers marched up and down and everybody applauded until they left. After we went for hot chocolate and salty cheesy pretzel which was WUNDERBAR!!!! *****FACT ALERT!!!!::: In Austria when you order a hot drink they always give you some cold water too. It’s very refreshing!****

In my flat have a bedroom with a sofa and a TV (and a bed too! LOL) then a kitchen/diner with some appliances that I believe were made in about 1965. There’s also a super-funky telephone table that I promise I will get some photos of, and lots of ornaments. The school’s round the corner, as well as the NATURBAD (OMG!!) and a big supermarket, where I went and did my first shop and bought some chocolate spread, pasta and an air diffuser. The air diffuser smells very strong and I kind of regret it, but I panicked in the shop and just bought it without thinking it through.

PART FOUR: CONCLUSION

So now I have to decide what to give my host as a gift. I have brought the following English delights: two bars of Cadbury’s, a box of English breakfast tea, a plastic bag of Chai tea, some lavender soap (which is temporarily lost), postcards of Wolverhampton, National Trust notecards and a copy of the Black Country Bugle (only 60p!). The tea and Bugle was actually going to be for class, and one of the chocolate bars is for me. I think I might give her the soap, one bar of chocolate (I’m not being stingy because it’s like 200g worth) and some chai tea. OR MAYBE THE BREAKFAST TEA!?!?!? OR MAYBE she actually would prefer me to give her some rent than some gifts. Hehehehe!

****FINAL FACT ALERT: [very important] In Austria you wear your wedding ring on your RIGHT hand! You need to know this if, like me, you’re scouting for a husband and only usually check the left hand for relationship status. If you usually check facebook for relationship status then this is less important.*****

xxx

Post script: AveeNO!

With three days to go, there is one thing which has caused me significant distress. I specifically requested the doctor give me maximum possible prescriptions, and he fobbed me off with 900ml of Aveeno. I know he can do better than that, but he's keeping all the Aveeno to himself. He's an Aveeno hoarder. But I need the Aveeno, I need it all, and he's hiding it from me because he's a big meany-pants. Remember guys: there is no photo-shopping in real life, and that is why even advanced technology pros like myself should carry out an extensive and regular moisturising routine. Just like Britney Spears and Proavtiv skin treatments, Aveeno cream's milky, porridgey scent and gloopy, translucent texture Changed My Life. So I just wish my doctor would stop saying AveeNO- and start saying AveenYES!!!